fever & aches

At the hospital with my Dad. Today he has yet another fever. I couldn't even tell you how many fevers he's had since getting diagnosed with AML. It's annoying. Seriously like a roller coaster ride. Poor guy. Luckily, thank GOD they've been able to get his temperature under control each time he's had one. Today it is 101.3, so hopefully they will be able to get it down tonight. They always treat it by giving a bag of antibiotics and they already took some blood and urine cultures, so hopefully nothing weird will show up in the results (it could be something like an infection, which is bad).

In addition to his fever, he also has a headache. They gave him some Oxycotin, so hopefully that will alleviate it. Funny, I've had a headache all day too- only mine was probably due to my drinking last night.

The Bone Marrow Transplant is still on schedule for Thursday- praying that nothing delays it again. Did I mention that we have an 18 year old male donor with a 10:10 compatibility match? Simply amazing. Bless the boy's soul. 

Lil' Emerald Bird

Little Emerald Bird
Wants to fly away
If I cup my hand
Could I make him stay

- Patti Smith, "Memorial Song"

omfg.

Ok, so. 

Dad had another Bone Marrow Biopsy this past Tuesday. The doctors were curious to know why his white blood cells hadn't been steadily increasing (they were waiting for the numbers to get high enough so they could blast out this annoying bladder stone that he has). 

I was wondering why they didn't have the results back already. Previous results of his biopsies were given within 24 hours max. Of course, I understand that doctors can get unexpectedly busy, but this was still kinda weird to me. 

As my sister and I were leaving to visit my father (Mom was already there, as she always is- such an amazing wife), we ran into my brother-in-law. He said that Dad asked Stacey, my other sister, to come in tonight instead of tomorrow. "Well, that's kinda weird," we all thought aloud. I called my Mom to see if there was anything she needed to tell me, why was Stacey coming in tonight? But she insisted that nothing new was known. 

However, after we were all at the hospital, my Dad informed us all that the Bone Marrow Biopsy results did indeed come back. They wanted to wait for us all to get there to tell us the news in person.

His cancer has already returned after this immense amount of chemo that was just administered to his body.  EVERYONE was surprised by this, even the doctors.

The doctors said that he had two choices: 

1- Hospice. 

2- Continue to receive the Bone Marrow Transplant, in which there is an increased risk of infection. 

The doctor (Dr. Thompson) said that, given that the only thing surviving in his bone marrow is these asshole cancer cells,  there is about a 5% chance of him surviving the Bone Marrow Transplant.

I am.. what am I? Numb, really. What to do now, what to do. I need to express these feeling somehow. This helps, but. Perhaps I will try to write a poem. Maybe draw some. I don't even know what to say.

nose tears.

Since my Dad got diagnosed with cancer, I have gotten really good at randomly crying.

WAIT!!! KEEP READING!

This is actually supposed to be humorous! Don't read this first sentence and close this tab because you're afraid it's super depressing!

You have to try to find humor in everything. Obviously it's hard to find humor in cancer, which is why I choose to find humor in the crying part of it. 

So, I randomly cry. At work. On the subway. In bars. Not like WEEPING crying, just a few silent tears. Whatever, it happens, and crying is healthy.

I WILL become a pro at choking down tears in public by the time this is all through though. I MUST SUCCEED. 

Also I have found that when I try to hold back tears in my eyes I get nose tears, and my nose starts running really thin tiny tears! 


Kinda cute, huh?

new BMT date.

Dad got a new Bone Marrow Transplant date- February 2, 2011. 

One day after his birthday!

The 10/10 dude confirmed that he can do this date- thank god, because I was getting worried that he might not be able to. 

Dad is getting more and more anxious as the date gets closer. It also doesn't help that he's been in the hospital for so long. He's getting super sensitive and stuff- which is, in some ways, funny to me. I mean, you have to see some humor in all of this right?

Going to see him in a few hours, before my flight back to NYC. I'll be there for a week or so, then coming back for a few months. My family needs me.

visit.

Visited with my Dad. We had a really good visit on Christmas night when it was just the two of us. I put lotion on his scalp, ‘cause it was dry. He had a bit of a fever, so I put a cold washcloth on his head. He said that I gave him some “TLC.” Oh, and we watched this super silly movie, Two Brothers. Its about two tigers (real ones too) that got separated at birth and later reunited. It actually made me really sad to watch.

Aw, my Dad said that I was a good daughter. That made me feel so good. He is so proud of his daughters and loves his family so much. He really needs to get through all this, we all do. He has so much to live for and so many people that care about him. Its crazy amazing!

The visit tonight went pretty good as well. Walked a mile, watched Meet The Fockers and part of a Neil Young performance. Stupid DVD player doesn't have many controls, though, so we couldn't watch Rust Never Sleeps. So we just watched some small portions from Gold Rush.

Not sure if I’ll see him tomorrow but I’ll definitely see him the next day. I feel guilty whenever I take days off and worry about him.

BMT

Didn't see my Dad yesterday (Sunday), but I guess his fever has gone done some. Oh ya, so he had a fever again. This has happened a few times. Again, leukemia, no immune system. But again, they got it under control, so.. cool. 

The Bone Marrow Transplant meeting for caregivers is today at 5:00 PM. Myself, my Mom, both sisters, and Mike, Ashley's boyfriend, will be there. They're gonna train us on how to be an adequate caregiver for my father post-hospital BMT procedure. You know, the recovery period.Teach us to flush his IV and such. 

Goddamn, shit's a roller coaster. 

Holidays!

December 25, 2010

First Christmas without the whole family together at home. First Christmas without a tree in our house. Of course, don’t get me wrong, I would much rather us not have a tree this year, for many reasons- mostly because of the damn pine needles that would be left all over the house. Dad will be coming home eventually, and any remnants of pine (or any plant for that matter) would be bad.

Anyway, let’s face it- Christmas just is not the same this year. My poor Dad is spending it in the hospital. This has made Mom really upset. Last night, as I was leaving the hospital, I saw her get teary-eyed. When I asked her what was wrong, she managed to say “I’m sad. I want everyone together for Christmas.” So, while it’s not the same as everyone being at home like every other year, I am going up to the hospital with Ashley, Stacey, and my brother-in-law (Stacey’s husband), Brian. It’ll be a busy day- we’ll leave there around 4:00, I’ll quickly go to my Aunt Jill’s house, where my Mom’s side of the family is having Christmas dinner. I’ll have to leave by 6:30 at the latest to be back to see Dad at/by 7:00. I promised him I’d spend the “evening shift” with him, as he says it. Silly guy.  

Despite everything, I am, of course, still very, very thankful that Dad is here to spend it with us. Since he got diagnosed in August, there have been many scares and upsets. Thank God he has pulled through all of them. He’s a super tough fighter and he knows he has a lot to live for, so here’s hoping praying wishing and dreaming that he’ll continue to beat the fight.

Here’s to all the children waking up with grinning faces, knowing that Santa has not only left crumbs on a plate that was once full of cookies, but a ton of badass presents under the tree :-) 

Infection stabilization, please!

Spoke to my Mom earlier today. I think it might be even more difficult for me to deal with this because I'm all the way in NYC. One of my dearest friends told me that I should move back home now, that my family needs me. So, I'm thinking about that. It's just hard. Part of me is terrified to have to deal with it so directly. But I do think that what he is saying is true. Maybe I wouldn't be such a waterworks if I were out there more. It just gets complicated- I'd need to find someone to sublet my apartment and this could take some time. I dunno. 

Anyway, I try to get as many updates on my father as possible- usually every day. I call my Mom and, if she doesn't answer, I call and text both of my sisters to see if they've seen my father that day. Today my Mom called me back. She said Dad has been very, very tired. And apparently he has a bit of a lung infection and a fever of 104. Which isn't good and worries me. Not sure how much anyone knows about leukemia, but the basics are.. it destroys your immune system. So, right now, being that he has gone through so much chemo, has virtually no immune system. Therefore, risk of infection is extremely high- and getting rid of the infection can be a pain in the ass. I'm hoping that they'll get this under control. I think I will call her in a bit. 

Also sent another card to my Dad today. When he first got diagnosed I thought that sending Get Well cards were pointless- like, I'm his daughter, I should be seeing him and talking to him- what good can a Get Well card do? But since then, I've begun to see it differently. Plus, he told me how much heartfelt cards meant to him- obviously not just the Get Well-sign your name at the bottom- bullshit- but a nice card with a warm, encouraging messages means a lot to him. That's what this card was. 

I do think I am having a bit of a hard time letting my father know exactly how scared I am. I don't think I want him to know and I don't know if he SHOULD know. He doesn't like when people start crying in front of him because of his illness because, as he said, its makes him think "do you know something I don't know!?" so I'm not sure how to go about that. I guess I'll have to write at least one long, mushy letter soon. Even if he doesn't like it, he needs to hear it. And I used to write my parents all sorts of letters when I was younger. 

Welp, onto another night of drinking ...

Intro / 3 months late

For some reason, I have avoided creating this blog like a plague. Maybe I'm afraid to face the emotions it will cause me. Or maybe I just procrastinate. Either way, like every diary I've ever owned, I start the thing apologizing for not writing in it enough. So, glad to see we're keeping the pattern here. 


This blog is about my Dad's battle with cancer. Yes, you should prepare yourself. A lot of people seem to think that I'm an uber tough chick- which I would like to think I am. BUT I am a real mush. I'm gonna get really uberemotional on ya. and you just might shed some tears with me. 


But that's life, isn't it?