Spoke to my Mom earlier today. I think it might be even more difficult for me to deal with this because I'm all the way in NYC. One of my dearest friends told me that I should move back home now, that my family needs me. So, I'm thinking about that. It's just hard. Part of me is terrified to have to deal with it so directly. But I do think that what he is saying is true. Maybe I wouldn't be such a waterworks if I were out there more. It just gets complicated- I'd need to find someone to sublet my apartment and this could take some time. I dunno.
Anyway, I try to get as many updates on my father as possible- usually every day. I call my Mom and, if she doesn't answer, I call and text both of my sisters to see if they've seen my father that day. Today my Mom called me back. She said Dad has been very, very tired. And apparently he has a bit of a lung infection and a fever of 104. Which isn't good and worries me. Not sure how much anyone knows about leukemia, but the basics are.. it destroys your immune system. So, right now, being that he has gone through so much chemo, has virtually no immune system. Therefore, risk of infection is extremely high- and getting rid of the infection can be a pain in the ass. I'm hoping that they'll get this under control. I think I will call her in a bit.
Also sent another card to my Dad today. When he first got diagnosed I thought that sending Get Well cards were pointless- like, I'm his daughter, I should be seeing him and talking to him- what good can a Get Well card do? But since then, I've begun to see it differently. Plus, he told me how much heartfelt cards meant to him- obviously not just the Get Well-sign your name at the bottom- bullshit- but a nice card with a warm, encouraging messages means a lot to him. That's what this card was.
I do think I am having a bit of a hard time letting my father know exactly how scared I am. I don't think I want him to know and I don't know if he SHOULD know. He doesn't like when people start crying in front of him because of his illness because, as he said, its makes him think "do you know something I don't know!?" so I'm not sure how to go about that. I guess I'll have to write at least one long, mushy letter soon. Even if he doesn't like it, he needs to hear it. And I used to write my parents all sorts of letters when I was younger.
No comments:
Post a Comment