fever & aches

At the hospital with my Dad. Today he has yet another fever. I couldn't even tell you how many fevers he's had since getting diagnosed with AML. It's annoying. Seriously like a roller coaster ride. Poor guy. Luckily, thank GOD they've been able to get his temperature under control each time he's had one. Today it is 101.3, so hopefully they will be able to get it down tonight. They always treat it by giving a bag of antibiotics and they already took some blood and urine cultures, so hopefully nothing weird will show up in the results (it could be something like an infection, which is bad).

In addition to his fever, he also has a headache. They gave him some Oxycotin, so hopefully that will alleviate it. Funny, I've had a headache all day too- only mine was probably due to my drinking last night.

The Bone Marrow Transplant is still on schedule for Thursday- praying that nothing delays it again. Did I mention that we have an 18 year old male donor with a 10:10 compatibility match? Simply amazing. Bless the boy's soul. 

Lil' Emerald Bird

Little Emerald Bird
Wants to fly away
If I cup my hand
Could I make him stay

- Patti Smith, "Memorial Song"

omfg.

Ok, so. 

Dad had another Bone Marrow Biopsy this past Tuesday. The doctors were curious to know why his white blood cells hadn't been steadily increasing (they were waiting for the numbers to get high enough so they could blast out this annoying bladder stone that he has). 

I was wondering why they didn't have the results back already. Previous results of his biopsies were given within 24 hours max. Of course, I understand that doctors can get unexpectedly busy, but this was still kinda weird to me. 

As my sister and I were leaving to visit my father (Mom was already there, as she always is- such an amazing wife), we ran into my brother-in-law. He said that Dad asked Stacey, my other sister, to come in tonight instead of tomorrow. "Well, that's kinda weird," we all thought aloud. I called my Mom to see if there was anything she needed to tell me, why was Stacey coming in tonight? But she insisted that nothing new was known. 

However, after we were all at the hospital, my Dad informed us all that the Bone Marrow Biopsy results did indeed come back. They wanted to wait for us all to get there to tell us the news in person.

His cancer has already returned after this immense amount of chemo that was just administered to his body.  EVERYONE was surprised by this, even the doctors.

The doctors said that he had two choices: 

1- Hospice. 

2- Continue to receive the Bone Marrow Transplant, in which there is an increased risk of infection. 

The doctor (Dr. Thompson) said that, given that the only thing surviving in his bone marrow is these asshole cancer cells,  there is about a 5% chance of him surviving the Bone Marrow Transplant.

I am.. what am I? Numb, really. What to do now, what to do. I need to express these feeling somehow. This helps, but. Perhaps I will try to write a poem. Maybe draw some. I don't even know what to say.

nose tears.

Since my Dad got diagnosed with cancer, I have gotten really good at randomly crying.

WAIT!!! KEEP READING!

This is actually supposed to be humorous! Don't read this first sentence and close this tab because you're afraid it's super depressing!

You have to try to find humor in everything. Obviously it's hard to find humor in cancer, which is why I choose to find humor in the crying part of it. 

So, I randomly cry. At work. On the subway. In bars. Not like WEEPING crying, just a few silent tears. Whatever, it happens, and crying is healthy.

I WILL become a pro at choking down tears in public by the time this is all through though. I MUST SUCCEED. 

Also I have found that when I try to hold back tears in my eyes I get nose tears, and my nose starts running really thin tiny tears! 


Kinda cute, huh?

new BMT date.

Dad got a new Bone Marrow Transplant date- February 2, 2011. 

One day after his birthday!

The 10/10 dude confirmed that he can do this date- thank god, because I was getting worried that he might not be able to. 

Dad is getting more and more anxious as the date gets closer. It also doesn't help that he's been in the hospital for so long. He's getting super sensitive and stuff- which is, in some ways, funny to me. I mean, you have to see some humor in all of this right?

Going to see him in a few hours, before my flight back to NYC. I'll be there for a week or so, then coming back for a few months. My family needs me.