Teenage Angst Isn’t Just For Teenagers

Teenage angst- isn't just for teenagers.

They took my Dad away. My hero, my knight in shining armor.

My Paddywagon, my Dodger Daddy.

They took him away and that pisses me off.

I just want to tell the whole world to go fuck itself.
Like a child, I just want to get it back for hurting me, for taking away the one I love.

Dad's Butter

When my Dad was home for a week before the Bone Marrow Transplant, Ash, her boyfriend, Mike, and I, did a bunch of grocery shopping for him. Since he was on a macrobiotic diet, there was very specific things he could and couldn't eat. For example, he really couldn't eat anything raw- including most fruits- because of the risk of bacteria that may have been in them. So, we shopped around, buying him huge containers of cottage cheese, canned fruit, etc. We bought him a container of butter and, upon getting home, I wrote his name all over it in huge font with permanent marker.. because we couldn't risk other people dipping in and out of the same butter container.

Now he's gone and that butter is still in the fridge. Every time I open it, my eyes travel right to this container of butter with "DAD" written on the top and all over the sides of it. It kills me. I have tried getting rid of it in so many ways. I have been tempted to scrub the marker off, but it's too fucking hard. This stupid butter container is driving me, and I'm sure the rest of the family, crazy with pain. It's simple things like this that make the grieving process that much more difficult. A stupid, fucking butter container.

Irribitter prose

I cannot sleep because I slept too late today (I dreamt well). 

I am highly annoyed. 

Today is my father's birthday & he is spending it in the hospital, less than a  week after his bone marrow transplant was performed.. 

[translation ---> he feels like shit]. 

We cannot bring him cake because he has no appetite for sweets.
In fact, he has no appetite for anything (yay, chemo). 
We're lucky if he chokes down 4 oz of yogurt for lunch. 

Candles aren't allowed on the unit, for obvious reasons. 
What a lovely celebration. 

:-( ----------> :-)

Let's turn that frown upside down, now, shall we?

:-( ----------> :-)

 I, we, are extremely grateful that my father has spent another year with us. 

Let's hope, dream, wish, and pray that there will be many more spent. 

...............

 Ok, now, let's satisfy that irribitter (clever, eh?) mood I'm in. 

Maybe then I can sleep. 

And dream of dolphins & ocean & sunshine with rays that sprinkle across the sky like glitter. 

I'll swim in the waves & the dolphins will dance with me. 

Maybe a sea turtle will take me away.

And feed me the potion that will turn me into a mermaid (I turned down the jellyfish because, after all, they are boring)

& I could stop feeling emotion. 

And anger. 

For the pain & suffering my father is going through. 

For his fucking bone marrow allowing only cancer cells to be alive & well (NOT very nice). 

For his having to sleep alone, scared in a hospital. 

For my mother sleeping alone, scared, in their bed. 

For my mother's tired, stressed, exhausted eyes that are spent  caring for the only man she loves, when they should be well, together, traveling Europe.

For their worry, fear, & loneliness. 

For my sisters & I, worry, fear. 

Fear that we will lose our father far too early. 

Fear that my loving parents will be torn apart. 

Fear that he will never see Baby Fig, Ashley's wedding, or meet the fool I end up with.

Pray for us.  

fever & aches

At the hospital with my Dad. Today he has yet another fever. I couldn't even tell you how many fevers he's had since getting diagnosed with AML. It's annoying. Seriously like a roller coaster ride. Poor guy. Luckily, thank GOD they've been able to get his temperature under control each time he's had one. Today it is 101.3, so hopefully they will be able to get it down tonight. They always treat it by giving a bag of antibiotics and they already took some blood and urine cultures, so hopefully nothing weird will show up in the results (it could be something like an infection, which is bad).

In addition to his fever, he also has a headache. They gave him some Oxycotin, so hopefully that will alleviate it. Funny, I've had a headache all day too- only mine was probably due to my drinking last night.

The Bone Marrow Transplant is still on schedule for Thursday- praying that nothing delays it again. Did I mention that we have an 18 year old male donor with a 10:10 compatibility match? Simply amazing. Bless the boy's soul. 

Lil' Emerald Bird

Little Emerald Bird
Wants to fly away
If I cup my hand
Could I make him stay

- Patti Smith, "Memorial Song"

omfg.

Ok, so. 

Dad had another Bone Marrow Biopsy this past Tuesday. The doctors were curious to know why his white blood cells hadn't been steadily increasing (they were waiting for the numbers to get high enough so they could blast out this annoying bladder stone that he has). 

I was wondering why they didn't have the results back already. Previous results of his biopsies were given within 24 hours max. Of course, I understand that doctors can get unexpectedly busy, but this was still kinda weird to me. 

As my sister and I were leaving to visit my father (Mom was already there, as she always is- such an amazing wife), we ran into my brother-in-law. He said that Dad asked Stacey, my other sister, to come in tonight instead of tomorrow. "Well, that's kinda weird," we all thought aloud. I called my Mom to see if there was anything she needed to tell me, why was Stacey coming in tonight? But she insisted that nothing new was known. 

However, after we were all at the hospital, my Dad informed us all that the Bone Marrow Biopsy results did indeed come back. They wanted to wait for us all to get there to tell us the news in person.

His cancer has already returned after this immense amount of chemo that was just administered to his body.  EVERYONE was surprised by this, even the doctors.

The doctors said that he had two choices: 

1- Hospice. 

2- Continue to receive the Bone Marrow Transplant, in which there is an increased risk of infection. 

The doctor (Dr. Thompson) said that, given that the only thing surviving in his bone marrow is these asshole cancer cells,  there is about a 5% chance of him surviving the Bone Marrow Transplant.

I am.. what am I? Numb, really. What to do now, what to do. I need to express these feeling somehow. This helps, but. Perhaps I will try to write a poem. Maybe draw some. I don't even know what to say.

nose tears.

Since my Dad got diagnosed with cancer, I have gotten really good at randomly crying.

WAIT!!! KEEP READING!

This is actually supposed to be humorous! Don't read this first sentence and close this tab because you're afraid it's super depressing!

You have to try to find humor in everything. Obviously it's hard to find humor in cancer, which is why I choose to find humor in the crying part of it. 

So, I randomly cry. At work. On the subway. In bars. Not like WEEPING crying, just a few silent tears. Whatever, it happens, and crying is healthy.

I WILL become a pro at choking down tears in public by the time this is all through though. I MUST SUCCEED. 

Also I have found that when I try to hold back tears in my eyes I get nose tears, and my nose starts running really thin tiny tears! 


Kinda cute, huh?

new BMT date.

Dad got a new Bone Marrow Transplant date- February 2, 2011. 

One day after his birthday!

The 10/10 dude confirmed that he can do this date- thank god, because I was getting worried that he might not be able to. 

Dad is getting more and more anxious as the date gets closer. It also doesn't help that he's been in the hospital for so long. He's getting super sensitive and stuff- which is, in some ways, funny to me. I mean, you have to see some humor in all of this right?

Going to see him in a few hours, before my flight back to NYC. I'll be there for a week or so, then coming back for a few months. My family needs me.

visit.

Visited with my Dad. We had a really good visit on Christmas night when it was just the two of us. I put lotion on his scalp, ‘cause it was dry. He had a bit of a fever, so I put a cold washcloth on his head. He said that I gave him some “TLC.” Oh, and we watched this super silly movie, Two Brothers. Its about two tigers (real ones too) that got separated at birth and later reunited. It actually made me really sad to watch.

Aw, my Dad said that I was a good daughter. That made me feel so good. He is so proud of his daughters and loves his family so much. He really needs to get through all this, we all do. He has so much to live for and so many people that care about him. Its crazy amazing!

The visit tonight went pretty good as well. Walked a mile, watched Meet The Fockers and part of a Neil Young performance. Stupid DVD player doesn't have many controls, though, so we couldn't watch Rust Never Sleeps. So we just watched some small portions from Gold Rush.

Not sure if I’ll see him tomorrow but I’ll definitely see him the next day. I feel guilty whenever I take days off and worry about him.

BMT

Didn't see my Dad yesterday (Sunday), but I guess his fever has gone done some. Oh ya, so he had a fever again. This has happened a few times. Again, leukemia, no immune system. But again, they got it under control, so.. cool. 

The Bone Marrow Transplant meeting for caregivers is today at 5:00 PM. Myself, my Mom, both sisters, and Mike, Ashley's boyfriend, will be there. They're gonna train us on how to be an adequate caregiver for my father post-hospital BMT procedure. You know, the recovery period.Teach us to flush his IV and such. 

Goddamn, shit's a roller coaster.