visit.

Visited with my Dad. We had a really good visit on Christmas night when it was just the two of us. I put lotion on his scalp, ‘cause it was dry. He had a bit of a fever, so I put a cold washcloth on his head. He said that I gave him some “TLC.” Oh, and we watched this super silly movie, Two Brothers. Its about two tigers (real ones too) that got separated at birth and later reunited. It actually made me really sad to watch.

Aw, my Dad said that I was a good daughter. That made me feel so good. He is so proud of his daughters and loves his family so much. He really needs to get through all this, we all do. He has so much to live for and so many people that care about him. Its crazy amazing!

The visit tonight went pretty good as well. Walked a mile, watched Meet The Fockers and part of a Neil Young performance. Stupid DVD player doesn't have many controls, though, so we couldn't watch Rust Never Sleeps. So we just watched some small portions from Gold Rush.

Not sure if I’ll see him tomorrow but I’ll definitely see him the next day. I feel guilty whenever I take days off and worry about him.

BMT

Didn't see my Dad yesterday (Sunday), but I guess his fever has gone done some. Oh ya, so he had a fever again. This has happened a few times. Again, leukemia, no immune system. But again, they got it under control, so.. cool. 

The Bone Marrow Transplant meeting for caregivers is today at 5:00 PM. Myself, my Mom, both sisters, and Mike, Ashley's boyfriend, will be there. They're gonna train us on how to be an adequate caregiver for my father post-hospital BMT procedure. You know, the recovery period.Teach us to flush his IV and such. 

Goddamn, shit's a roller coaster. 

Holidays!

December 25, 2010

First Christmas without the whole family together at home. First Christmas without a tree in our house. Of course, don’t get me wrong, I would much rather us not have a tree this year, for many reasons- mostly because of the damn pine needles that would be left all over the house. Dad will be coming home eventually, and any remnants of pine (or any plant for that matter) would be bad.

Anyway, let’s face it- Christmas just is not the same this year. My poor Dad is spending it in the hospital. This has made Mom really upset. Last night, as I was leaving the hospital, I saw her get teary-eyed. When I asked her what was wrong, she managed to say “I’m sad. I want everyone together for Christmas.” So, while it’s not the same as everyone being at home like every other year, I am going up to the hospital with Ashley, Stacey, and my brother-in-law (Stacey’s husband), Brian. It’ll be a busy day- we’ll leave there around 4:00, I’ll quickly go to my Aunt Jill’s house, where my Mom’s side of the family is having Christmas dinner. I’ll have to leave by 6:30 at the latest to be back to see Dad at/by 7:00. I promised him I’d spend the “evening shift” with him, as he says it. Silly guy.  

Despite everything, I am, of course, still very, very thankful that Dad is here to spend it with us. Since he got diagnosed in August, there have been many scares and upsets. Thank God he has pulled through all of them. He’s a super tough fighter and he knows he has a lot to live for, so here’s hoping praying wishing and dreaming that he’ll continue to beat the fight.

Here’s to all the children waking up with grinning faces, knowing that Santa has not only left crumbs on a plate that was once full of cookies, but a ton of badass presents under the tree :-) 

Infection stabilization, please!

Spoke to my Mom earlier today. I think it might be even more difficult for me to deal with this because I'm all the way in NYC. One of my dearest friends told me that I should move back home now, that my family needs me. So, I'm thinking about that. It's just hard. Part of me is terrified to have to deal with it so directly. But I do think that what he is saying is true. Maybe I wouldn't be such a waterworks if I were out there more. It just gets complicated- I'd need to find someone to sublet my apartment and this could take some time. I dunno. 

Anyway, I try to get as many updates on my father as possible- usually every day. I call my Mom and, if she doesn't answer, I call and text both of my sisters to see if they've seen my father that day. Today my Mom called me back. She said Dad has been very, very tired. And apparently he has a bit of a lung infection and a fever of 104. Which isn't good and worries me. Not sure how much anyone knows about leukemia, but the basics are.. it destroys your immune system. So, right now, being that he has gone through so much chemo, has virtually no immune system. Therefore, risk of infection is extremely high- and getting rid of the infection can be a pain in the ass. I'm hoping that they'll get this under control. I think I will call her in a bit. 

Also sent another card to my Dad today. When he first got diagnosed I thought that sending Get Well cards were pointless- like, I'm his daughter, I should be seeing him and talking to him- what good can a Get Well card do? But since then, I've begun to see it differently. Plus, he told me how much heartfelt cards meant to him- obviously not just the Get Well-sign your name at the bottom- bullshit- but a nice card with a warm, encouraging messages means a lot to him. That's what this card was. 

I do think I am having a bit of a hard time letting my father know exactly how scared I am. I don't think I want him to know and I don't know if he SHOULD know. He doesn't like when people start crying in front of him because of his illness because, as he said, its makes him think "do you know something I don't know!?" so I'm not sure how to go about that. I guess I'll have to write at least one long, mushy letter soon. Even if he doesn't like it, he needs to hear it. And I used to write my parents all sorts of letters when I was younger. 

Welp, onto another night of drinking ...

Intro / 3 months late

For some reason, I have avoided creating this blog like a plague. Maybe I'm afraid to face the emotions it will cause me. Or maybe I just procrastinate. Either way, like every diary I've ever owned, I start the thing apologizing for not writing in it enough. So, glad to see we're keeping the pattern here. 


This blog is about my Dad's battle with cancer. Yes, you should prepare yourself. A lot of people seem to think that I'm an uber tough chick- which I would like to think I am. BUT I am a real mush. I'm gonna get really uberemotional on ya. and you just might shed some tears with me. 


But that's life, isn't it?